• Shara Hutchinson

Child-Free By Choice After Infertility VS Not Giving Up On Being A Mom

I read a post some time last year that said “there are no guarantees that hard work will yield a larger family or having a baby”.  I think that statement is partially true. Let me explain... When I found out I was going to need intervention to have a baby I decided to ”begin with the end in mind”. I asked myself what MY definition of a “mom” was. I did this to understand where my boundaries were going to be. I concluded that MY personal definition of a mom was me being able to raise and nurture a child. (Note: the word biological was not in included) I was willing to adopt , use a surrogate, or whatever to make that happen. Since I am adopted myself, I figured if all else failed I could pay it forward. Turns out after 8 years of an emotional and financial roller coaster, I conceived and delivered a son from my 4th IVF transfer. I was ready to give up on trying with my body after my last loss and I told myself that if the 4th transfer didn’t work , I would explore  being a mom according to my definition another way. If, however, my definition would have been raising and nurturing a child who is biologically mine, then I would have likely stopped pursuing, walked away, and chose to be child free if my 4th transfer would have ended in loss as well. In my book and when I speak with other ladies going through this journey , I always encourage them to define “mom” in their own terms for the aforementioned reasons. I think knowing this up front helps determine what you will do if for some reason you cannot conceive or carry a child. So for me, If I say “don’t give up”, I mean if you decided that your definition of a mom is not biological , then don’t give up until you are a mom per your definition. If you decided that your definition of a mom must be biological or if you must walk away for you own well being at any point of the journey ,  then don’t give up on yourself . Both choices are personal and valid and neither is considered wrong. Whether you are child free by choice, child free by chance, or determined to pursue your definition of being a mom at all cost, you are valuable.

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